This Month In Zombie Legal Issues
Everyone deserves capable legal representation, even unsavory characters like criminals or pop singers. Face it, we’re already looking out for the rights of children, animals, and ecosystems. So it shouldn’t be any surprise that a new group is vying for protection: Zombies.
Sure, they feed off flesh and aimlessly amble about. They don’t hold jobs, pay taxes, or pick up after themselves. But they’re human… at least they were at one point. While their bite is far worse than their bark, maybe they just need a little compassion (and a bath). Do they really deserve to be axed, speared, shot, burned, and arrowed? Can’t we all just get along?
With a new season of The Walking Dead upon us, zombie rights have jumped to the forefront. Aren’t viruses and vagrants a far greater threat than zombies? And don’t zombies have as much right to the prison yard as Rick and his minions?
For a little context, GQ recently spoke to Rory Little, a professor of law at the University of California-Hastings. Here are his thoughts on where walkers belong in our legal system:
If a zombie’s not attacking you, is it legit to preemptively kill it?
“Unlike in Britain, in America [where The Walking Dead is set] most states say that you can kill if it’s certain that you are about to be killed, even though the threat is not imminent. And there’s another defense: you’re not killing a human being – you’re killing a zombie. Murder does not apply to wild animals. You’d imagine a court would say a zombie isn’t a human being.”
One character kept zombies on chains for protection (although she had to first cut out their jaws). Is that cruelty against zombies?
“We allow people to tie vicious dogs up to poles to guard shops. But if the dog injures a child, you might have to pay damages. If you’re torturing the zombie for fun, that might be a problem, but if you’re removing the jaw because that means they can’t bite, that may make sense. Just like declawing a cat or a lion.”
Alas, zombies aren’t the only pop culture icons under siege. Bruce Wayne is accustomed to critics snickering about his nocturnal activities. Sure, he races around Gotham clad in bullet-proof rubber, often in the company of an attractive young man. But he base jumps off skyscrapers and crashes through glass ceilings. I mean, how cool is that?
However, it appears that a lawyer, not a crazed clown or an IRS agent, will ultimately force Batman to retire the cowl. Recently, Michael McFall presented a litany of charges, 51 counts in all, based off Bruce Wayne’s conduct in The Dark Knight Rises. And that’s on top of the 180 offenses that he allegedly committed in his first two films. So what did Wayne do wrong? Here is a sampling of his supposed crimes according to McFall:
- Leaving the scene of an accident: He purposefully crashed the Batpod into the henchman’s motorcycle, then takes off.
- Three counts of assault: Wayne attacks Bane’s patrol guards in the sewers.
- Ten counts of possession of an explosive device: The Bat is shown to be equipped with at least 10 missiles during the finale…
Ah, good times! Despite this, a grateful Gotham erected a statue in his honor. But justice can be patient, as well as blind. When the hoopla dies down, Wayne faces 277 years in prison on top of 14 life sentences… which leaves plenty of time for sequels! However, Wayne can argue for time served, as he spent 6 months in an underground country club (I mean, prison), where he practiced rock climbing and chanting.
Just don’t expect to see Wayne in any prison yard. Prisoners will need protection from him, not the other way around.
Sources: GQ, Salt Lake Tribune
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